I See Dead People---In SkyMall

2007-12-27T15:41:00.001-08:00

Like many people, I often pass the time on flights by perusing the useless items in SkyMall catalog. You know what I am talking about, the $495 Lord of the Rings Chess Set, or the $20 blender that, when painted green becomes a $100 Margarator. Like many people, I often ask myself, "Who buys this stuff?" I also have wondered how SkyMall has continued to stay in business. The production costs on their catalog must be tremendous.

Well, I think I have discovered one, frightening way that SkyMall keeps its costs down. THEY USE CADAVERS AS MODELS!!!

I know this sounds ridiculous, but please consider the evidence below. I've ordered the examples in approximate "obviousness of deadness." So even if you think I am crazy at first-keep reading.

EXHIBIT #1: Memory Foam Massage Mat ($129.99)

COMMENTS: This was the first one I noticed. Something about the way she was unnaturally laying there. Notice the way her arm is strangely stiff against her side.

INDICATORS OF DEADNESS: Her hand looks like it is stapled to her leg.

PROBABLE CAUSE OF DEATH: Ambien overdose.

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EXHIBIT #2: The Sona Pillow ($129.00)

COMMENTS: Who sleeps like this? Notice his position--left arm straight at his side, right arm up in a perfect Nazi salute.

INDICATORS OF DEADNESS: Either this guy is dreaming about the re-emergence of the Third Reich or he is showing advanced stages of rigor mortis.

PROBABLE CAUSE OF DEATH: Auto Erotic Asphyxiation

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EXHIBIT #3: SkyRest Travel Pillow ($29.99)

COMMENTS: Oh geez. Look at this poor schlub. My guess is that after his divorce, he took a little trip to Guatemala in search of cheap booze and cheaper women-only to find himself in a chloroformed daze in the back room of a filthy brothel with a rusty scalpel making a beeline for his vital organs.

INDICATORS OF DEADNESS: In the photo he shows absolutely no embarrassment at using this ridiculous product.

PROBABLE CAUSE OF DEATH: YOU try living without any kidneys.

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EXHIBIT #4: Lumbar Extender ($79.99)

COMMENTS: AAAHHHHH!!! When I first saw this one, I almost jumped out of my seat. Just look at her! It looks like those ghouls at SkyMall were getting lazy, ("Just pull one out of the freezer try to do something with her. We are on deadline.") This one is sooo creepy that they actually cropped the online version to blot out her obviously glass eyes..

INDICATORS OF DEADNESS: The glass taxidermy stock eyes; the waxen skin; the frozen death grimace; the two regulation MLB baseballs sloppily positioned under her sweater.

PROBABLE CAUSE OF DEATH: Nerve gas poisoning.

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EXHIBIT #4: Relax N Nap Pillow ($69.95)
COMMENTS: Oh come on!!! Someone call the authorities already!! This poor woman looks like she was just dragged out of San Francisco Bay! If I were the investigators of the Stacy Peterson case, I would take a very close look at this one. Either that, or she was formerly part of the SkyMall staff and threatened to talk. This is so obviously a dead body that I must think it was done as a warning to other would-be SkyMall stool pigeons.

INDICATORS OF DEADNESS: Well, the fact that she is still on the Medical Examiners table for one. It looks like they just threw a towel on her, blew dry her hair and said "okay, shoot." Why don't we see her face? Could it be because the little fishies were nibbling away at her nose? And why don't we see her feet?

PROBABLE CAUSE OF DEATH: Cement foot massaging bedroom slippers.

So there you have it. How long must we let those SkyMall ghouls get away with this!!

SKYMALL STIFFS

I See Dead People---In SkyMall